An introduction to madness

The End

2006-03-21T15:46:00.000+01:00

This blog as ceased to exist in this dimension. The cowteets have shriveled up never to regain it's original softness and pinkish color.

Instead, on the third day, it was born again at eblog.odebo.se and the people rejoiced and saw that it was good.

Consider yourself invited.

Tv commercials? Piece of cake

2006-01-31T15:37:00.000+01:00

Lights, camera, action.
Cue fake applause.

Bob is standing by the kitchen sink, cutting vegetables with a small, rusty knife. He looks troubled and is touching his shoulder as if in pain.

Laurie walks in with and stands next to Bob.

Laurie: "Bob what's with the long face?"

Bob: "Well Laurie, I'm having a dinner party tonight and I wanted to make some nutricious yet healthy snacks for my guests. But this old, dull, rusty knife is making my shoulders hurt when I'm cutting carrots and cabbage all afternoon. Oh Laurie, what should I do?"

Cut to closeup of Lauries face as she's holding up Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000 next to it.
Hysterical smile.

Laurie: "Bob, do I have a surprise for you! This is the Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000. Designed by the best japanese scientists and it will blow you away."

Bob, looking shocked: "Really, Laurie? But I have always used my trusty knife. What can the Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000 do that my knife can't?"

Laurie laughing out loud: "Oh Bob, just stand back and watch!"

Panorama view of audience nodding in agreement and shaking their heads at Bob.

Laurie gets a carrot and inserts it into the Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000.

Laurie: "The Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000 has a series of settings depending on what it is that you want. By the turn of a dial you can get slices, dices, rectangles, potatoe chips for the kids, vegetable sticks for dips and just about anything you can think of. Just turn the dial and voila, you're all set. Isn't that result just beautiful, Bob?

Audience applauding and nodding.
Bob looking shocked.

Bob: "Wait a minute. How did you do that so fast? I've been cutting this single carrot for 2 hours and you did it in 3 seconds? How is that possible?"

Laurie: "Bob, it's because of these super strong, super sharp, surgical blades especially made for the Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000. What you do in hours, these blades do in seconds. "

Ooooh's and Aaaaaah's from the audience.
Bob looking astounded.

Bob: "Wow! They really are amazing Laurie. How can I get one?"

Freeze picture of Laurie and Bob.
Insert crappy background music.
Fade in picture of The Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000.
Fade in fast speaking voice.

"You can now get the Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000, complete with the Miracle Veggie Juice Squeezer AND the Miracle Veggie hand protector for only $49.99. But that's not all! If you order NOW you can get an extra Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000 for half the price! It's the perfect gift! But wait, there's more! Get the extra Miracle Veggie Cutter 2000 blades for cutting fruit and we will send you the book "How to cut fruit" for free! Don't wait. Order now! Localtaxesandorfeesarepayedforbyyouandbatteriesarenotincluded."

Years of college to make commercials? HAH

Aussie

2006-01-30T13:00:00.000+01:00

Did I tell you I'm going to Australia?
No?

Well, I am.
April 2 is when I take off from Stockholm, heading for Melbourne.
I'll be there for a month. Can you believe it? A full month!
Among snakes, coalas, kangaroos, sharks and crocs.

G'day mate.

Annoyed

2006-01-25T10:06:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with the world. Or rather, people in the world. Things I more or less take for granted become huge problems to some people. Like this morning.

At work we have two short coffee breaks before lunch. One at 9am and one at 10.30am.
This morning one of the co-workers (no not "him") had an appointment at 9 and didn't have coffee with the rest of us. As she gets back (at 10.05) she asks if we should have coffee. As we've already had coffee at 9, and are about to again in about 25 minutes, we say no thanks, we'll wait.

- But I'm getting some coffee now, she says.

You can do whatever you want, but we recently had coffee, so we'll wait. Thank you.

- So I shouldn't get coffee for you then?

No, thank you, as it's almost time for the usual coffee break at 10.30 we'll wait. Thank you.

- Oh, you had coffee at 9 already?

No, we didn't. You weren't here, so we couldn't. What do you think?

- Alright then, I'll get coffee for me then.

You can get coffee for you whenever you want. But now you've been arguing about it for another 10 minutes so its almost time for our usual coffee break anyway so you might as well wait 10 more minutes.

- Nah, I want coffee now.

What.Ever.

Resolution-break numero uno

2006-01-18T08:27:00.000+01:00

Ok so the first resolution I'm going to break is the one about the co-worker. Naturally.

I know what's wrong with him. He has no empathy. Not in his wildest imagination could he understand how someone else feels. He truly is a psychopath.

This morning I was reading the usual work emails, answering some of them and just generally being rather busy as he comes into the office, late as usual. We exchange a quick "good morning" and go about our business. This meaning that I keep doing what I was doing and him taking a phonecall and then proceeding to tell me all about it.

As I was busy with work, I really didn't have time to listen to any of his interesting tales. I made sure he understood that by just quickly glancing at him and answering him with one word answers.

But that just doesn't work with him. He doesn't get it. For 20 minutes he was talking my ear off about some topic that really had nothing to do with me at all. Like, what he had for breakfast, why the bus is always late, the troubles he had doing the laundry last night, why the sky is blue and the sun will shine..tomorrow...lalala.

During that time I didn't look at him once and only answered with a silent "uh huh" twice.

I just don't get it. If I talk to someone and that person clearly looks busy or uninterested, I just stop. Immediately. Why would anyone want to keep talking to someone that isn't interested or has no time to respond? This guy has even kept up a monologue towards me when I'm on the phone! Who the hell does something like that?! I'm on the phone dude!

It's a new year

2006-01-03T09:31:00.000+01:00

It's 2006. I survived another year.
Everything from now on is just a bonus.

So, has anyone made any new years resolutions?

I've made a few.

1. Stop cursing at your fellow drivers when driving.
2. Except when they deserve it.
3. Stop writing about co-worker and be the bigger person.
4. Write english blog more often.
5. Think better of snakes. They're not evil, they're just animals.
6. Drink less coffee.
7. Start every morning with a smile.
8. Give someone a compliment every day.
9. Be more enthusiastic about work.
10. Stop making resolutions I can't keep.

Well..

2005-12-19T09:55:00.000+01:00

These last days before christmas are usually rather hectic. It's quite possible that posting will be even slower than usual, if that's at all possible.
So, incase I don't have time for another post this week:

Merry Christmas from your favourite swede!

The milky way?

2005-12-15T22:50:00.000+01:00

Christmas lighting in a tree found in the woods in the middle of nowhere.

Insane

2005-12-12T20:59:00.000+01:00

Boss: On a scale from 1-5, how would you grade your average work load?

Me: A four.

MCMAM: Yeah, a four.

Boss: I'm not sure that's true.

MCMAM: Me neither.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!?!

Sarkasm

2005-12-06T15:15:00.000+01:00

My dear friends,

We need to have a little chat.
It has come to my attention that some of you haven't really grasped the concept of sarkasm. Especially when it can and can't be used. So to help you out I've listed a few hypothetical (ehum) situations where sarcasm should or shouldn't be used.

1.
Husband/boyfriend
Wife/girlfriend

Woman wonders if she looks fat in the new jeans she just bought.
If the man sarcastically answers "Oooh sure, you make whales look malnurished." well then that's just wrong.

So wrong.

2.
You've been outside. It's snowing violently. As you come in, completely covered in snow, someone asks "Is it snowing outside?".

Any of the options below are always correct:

- No, Fluff the smoking giant just happened to tip some ash on me as I was passing by.

- No, I just have a gigantous dandruff(?) problem.

- No, I always look like this.

3.
You've just hit your head and you're kneeling from the pain when someone asks "Did it hurt?"

Any of the options below are always correct:

- No, I screamed with joy.

- No, I always cry when something feels good.

This afternoon

2005-11-30T20:27:00.000+01:00

Sometimes nature shows us how insignificant we are.

Life on a break.

2005-11-29T20:21:00.000+01:00

Ok just one more

2005-11-28T10:00:00.000+01:00

A few weeks ago we ordered the new almanacks for 2006. For some reason MCMAM wasn't on the list of people that could order (no I didn't do that) so he took it upon himself to order in my name.

The almanacks were delivered today and everyone got their stuff except you-know-who.
I went to get them for my department and as I got to him he smiled and said: "Oh, you got quite a few, didn't you?" to which I answered: "Uhm no, I got one. The one I ordered."

Quite upset he called out "Well, then you didn't get the stuff you ordered! You should call them and get that straightened out".

Excuse me?
I didn't order that stuff. You did. If you didn't do it right, well then that's your problem. You ordered it in my name without letting me know and now you're telling me to fix your mess?

So my answer was: "Well, I got what I ordered, so you've must have done it wrong. You should call them and straighten it out. Oh and by the way, let them know you ordered stuff in my name as well. I don't want to be responsible for your shit."

Ok here goes

2005-11-25T13:36:00.000+01:00

So I made the decision that if I was going to keep writing here, it would be minus all the co-worker stuff. And I will stick to that decision. Except for today. This will (probably) be the last post about him and so I'll try to make it a good one.

Well, I've figured him out. I know why he does the things he do. And I've learned how to turn it back against him.
One of the first posts I ever wrote here was a list of things he does on an average day. So the last post about him will be the counter measures I have figured out.

What he does: If I'm whistling for whatever reason he would start whistling too, louder and on something totally different.

Counter measure: I whistle pretty much all the time. I'm good at whistling, in fact, I'm great at it. My whistling lips can definately outlast his old skinflaps. After a while he has to stop because his face is cramping.

What he does: If I have the radio on, he turns his on too. Louder of course. If I don't have the radio on, neither does he.

Counter measure: I now have bigger speakers than him. I also made sure his speakers broke. "They don't work? Really? That's soooo odd."

What he does: He farts, all the time.

Counter measure: Loudly say "What the hell stinks in here? Someone needs to go to the bathroom pronto." every time.

What he does: He pretends he can't hear the customers over the phone and hangs up on them, meaning I will have to talk to them instead.

What he does: Basically being a knowitall.

Counter measure: Every time he's wrong (which is more often than not) I find the correct answer on the Internet, print it out, and tape it to his computer screen. Can't really argue with facts, can you?

This has basically made him so frustrated that he's just no fun anymore. Not even in his own twisted mind. And the degree of annoyment(?!) has gone way down. Way, way down. We're all one big happy friggin family.

He doesn't agree.

Right

2005-11-24T11:30:00.000+01:00

So here is the deal:

This blog will re-emerge in not too long. New and improved.

Stay tuned, we'll be right back after these messages.

Songs

2005-11-23T08:32:00.000+01:00

Whoa, I'm getting songs and stuff in the comments section.
I was kind of just going to let everything fade away into nothing thinking
no one would care at all. But damn Chops, now you've made that impossible.

Alright! I give in. I will keep on blogging.
You have my word.

Kill me now

2005-10-28T13:51:00.000+02:00

Every once in a while we get information from the board of this company I work for.
Usually it contains a lot of numbers and other stuff that in reality have very little to do with me and my work. Or anyone and anyones work for that matter. Unless you're a stock broker. And obviously, we're not.
Everytime we get this paper of information we're supposed to sign it to show that we've read it. All of us just sign it and pass it on, knowing that the information is really of no interest to us at all.
Unless of course your name is MCMAM. If that's your name you pretend to read the information then sign it and go to your boss. The boss then asks if everyone has read and understood the information to which you respond "I was probably the only one that read it" in an attempt to make yourself look better.

I've got news for you dude.
The day you start answering the phone, answering emails and generally just DO YOUR JOB, you won't have to suck up. Because quite frankly, no one gives a fuck if you read the info or not.

No no no

2005-10-18T08:48:00.000+02:00

Chops thinks I'm neglecting you guys and, well..yeah I have been. A little bit.

Funny she should mention it today though.
I had the weirdest dream last night.
I was on a cruise ship. I must have been rich too, because my room was..well it wasn't really a room. It was a damn palace.
Now that's weird enough, for sure. But I was on that cruise ship with..Chops and B.E.G?!
You guys really need to stay out of my head.
Chops was dressed like an old spinster and was singing constantly. Talking to her was impossible.
B.E.G had hair like Tina Turner. She was more coherent.

I really don't remember any more details than that.
I'm still in total shock though.

This is for you, songbirds

2005-10-11T18:07:00.000+02:00

Alright, so Chops and B.E.G among others, have been asking me for some
pics from Sweden.
Well, I'll give you a few recent ones.

This is is practically my backyard:

This is your typical swedish road sign:

And this is the the less pleasant part of the area:

Sneeze

2005-10-10T13:27:00.000+02:00

Dude, covering your mouth after you sneeze is absolutely pointless.
Alright?

Digicam

2005-10-06T19:13:00.000+02:00

Well this camera stuff is just too, damn, much fun.

Me like.
Me like a lot.
I may become something yet.
You hear that, mom?

Well

2005-10-05T19:42:00.000+02:00

folks, I bought a digital camera.
Be afraid.
Be very, very afraid.

Birthday

2005-09-30T14:57:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow is my birthday. At work when someone has a birthday we usually chip in for a small flower or something. No big deal really, it's just a nice thing to do. The person having the birthday usually buys a cake or something and we all take a few minutes to have some coffee and cake in the afternoon.
Consequently, I got some cake (since it's friday) today and told everyone that they were welcome to have some.
At first no one even reacted. Then someone came by to do something else, saying: "I just don't have time". And then turns to another co-worker and says: *sigh* well maybe we should take a minute or something."

You know what? Don't fucking bother. If it's that much of a fucking chore, you can stay the fuck away and I'll have some cake with people that actually give a fuck.
Just don't expect me to stand there and sing "Happy-fucking- birthday" on your birthday.
ASS.HOLE.

Oh I'm sorry, did my gun accidentally shoot you?

2005-09-26T13:31:00.000+02:00

MCMAM: I bought a new tv.
Me: Ok.
MCMAM: A bigger one.
Me: *sigh* Alright?
MCMAM: I gave the old one to the kids.
Me: ...
MCMAM: My ex said she needed the old one.
Me: Great..
MCMAM: But the kids got it.
Me: I'm sure they're happy.
MCMAM: Yeah. But they never watch tv.
MCMAM: They listen to music.
Me: Listen, I'm kind of..
MCMAM: And play computer games.
Me: Right...whatever.
MCMAM: God you're hard to talk to.

Yes! Yes I am. Get it?! I'm hard to talk to, but You.Don't.Care.Obviously!

I'm am infidel

2005-09-21T08:10:00.000+02:00

I'm sorry the posting is slow folks.
I've started another blog, in swedish and it's kind of taking
time from this one. I'll try to be better. Honest.

Crunch

2005-09-15T08:54:00.000+02:00

How does one manage to chew on a small hard candy, making it "crunch" between ones teeth for over 10 minutes? How is that physically possible?

Co-worker knows. He does it. All. Day.Long.

Here it is

2005-09-07T09:45:00.000+02:00

Ok so here is the update as promised.

I don't have what you would call a decisive personality. I mean, I have problems deciding what kind of bread I should get at the grocery store. "This is good, but that one is better for me...on the other hand..". This causes a chain reaction of problems when I have to make bigger decisions. Like the past two weeks. I've been debating wether or not I should change jobs. I can't begin to tell you what this does to my brain. The left half of my brain is fighting my right half like two pitbulls locked in a closet. This closes down anything that resembles a rational thought and I walk around more or less like a zombie. An undecided zombie. "Human brain or a kidney with a nice chianti and som fava beans....fsfsfsfsfsfs?"
I mean really.

So, needless to say, I'm struggling.
I have a good job, no scratch that, I have a great job, already. I like the people I work with (except you-know-who) the pay is.., well it could be worse, I get to travel and work independently.
On the other hand;
This isn't what I want to do the rest of my life. There never was any doubt about that. The problem is that I don't know what I want to do instead of this. I mean, this is what I know and I know I'm very good at it. I could get a similar job somewhere else with a huge raise. It's just a phone call away. And that sucks, because although money is important, so is my mental health. What good will lots of money do me if I'm ready to slit my wrists every morning before I go to work? Well, not literally of course, I'm not that crazy. But you get the point.
There is really only one thing I've managed to decide and that is that I don't want to do this kind of job any longer. Which leaves me.....where?
I envy people who have the courage to go to their boss and say "I quit" without having any other jobs lined up, waiting for them. Just kind of winging it, trusting that something will show up that sounds interesting to them.
It all comes down to (I guess) a feeling of not having control and I hate that. Everytime you quit your job for something new, there is that possibility that the new job is worse than the one you came from. Or better. It's just something that's impossible to know before you've tried.
So, do I give up a well-payed job I'm really good at, with great colleagues for something....unknown?
You tell me, my brain-halves are fighting.

Update

2005-09-06T23:09:00.000+02:00

Don't worry folks, there is an update coming shortly. Real life is interferring with my internet presence. How rude.
Oh and by the way. I have a swedish reader. I dare her to acknowledge herself.

Oh, the horror

2005-08-25T10:44:00.000+02:00

Imagine waking up in the morning. A warm bed. You don't open your eyes for a few seconds but just lay there, enjoying being, letting your mind wake up. Slowly you open your eyes and see...this:

People, I'm not joking. This creature from hell was about 2 inches from my face.
The picture has been resized by blogger too. It is bigger in reality.
All I could muster was a girlish "Mother of GOD!!!" and I got the hell out of there. I locked the door when I left so it's still in there when I get home.
Help..

Kids

2005-08-21T19:02:00.000+02:00

I love how kids think.
I was a at the grocery store the other the day to do some..well, grocery shopping. Obviously.

As I enter the store this kid, age 9-11, passes me with a big bag of mini-chocolates type things. He runs to his mother and puts it in her cart looking at her with begging eyes. Very loudly she tells him "we don't have any money, put it back". Defiantly the kid puts his hands on his hips, looks his mother in the eyes and answers "Well, if we don't have any money, what are we even doing in the store?"
The mother then turns towards me with a look that probably could have killed me, were it possible, because I couldn't help a big snort of amusement slip out. She proceedes to tell her son to do as he's told and put it back. As the kid passes me I hear him muttering to himself "For not having any money, there sure is a lot of OATMEAL in that cart".

Kids are in no way stupid. Do not under-estimate them.

Back from vacation

2005-08-16T10:22:00.000+02:00

I'm back from a rather lousy vacation and I'm still rather topicless.
However, Lambchop had a few suggestions of topics and I thought I'd pick "Dating" as my return post.

Allow me to list a few of the horror dates I've been on.

* The nose picker.
Seemed like a perfectly normal woman. Asked her out and we went to dinner.
Went to the restroom at the restaurant and as I come back I see her digging the fuck out of her nose. I'm surprised she didn't cause permanent brain damage.
What do you say to someone with their finger buried in their nose up to the second knuckle?

"Wtf? Does this look like Treasure Island to you? There's no hidden treasure where you're digging."

"Yeah, I hate those brain itches too"

Short dinner, needless to say. I'm just not ready for nose picking on the first date.

* Me me me
Very attractive, lookswise. Met her at a party and got asked out later that week.
Went to a movie and to this day I have no idea what it was about. I don't think she was quiet for more than a few seconds at a time during the entire movie. Somewhat a onesided conversation about her though. Couldn't tell you who was in the movie but I can tell you the names of her last 5 boyfriends, the last time she had her period, what kind of bowl problems she's had, why strawberries give her a nasty rash and sweet-mary-mother-of-god get me the fuck out of here!

* Control freak
Seemed fine the first two dates. Freaked the fuck out on the third. I had to leave the restaurant we were at because I forgot to lock the car. During the time I was gone, which was no more than 5 minutes, I recieved 4 text messages on my cell phone. All from her.

Message #1: Where are you?
Message #2: Where did you go?
Message #3: Can't take this long to lock the car.
Message #4: You're talking to someone, aren't you?

As I came back to the restaurant she was practically in tears and I was practically out of there. That's just creepy.

* I want your love child
I'm sure we've all had this type of date. The type where the one you're dating starts talking commitment and children before you're done with the drink before dinner. I'm serious, she was picking out names for our future children 25 minutes into our first date.

There has been plenty of other dates that has gone horribly wrong but I don't make it too obvious what poor judgment in people I have.

Religion

2005-07-15T09:22:00.000+02:00

Ok people, todays topic is religion. Or rather, some of the religous sidetracks that thought "normal" religion wasn't hardcore enough. I've never been a religious person myself and I have no opinion about peoples choices to belive in God or Allah or whatever the case may be. If it works for you, more power to ya. This post is about the ones that have just taken it too far. Way.too.far.

When I was about 18 and started going to bars (you can buy alcohol legally at 18 here) there was this small taco place that sold tacos for pennies. It was managed by a church called "The word of life". These people thought Jehovas weren't hardcore enough and had decided to go on a mission to save mankind. Using tacos. See, they decided to keep the place open until 4am every friday and saturday night trusting that drunk teenagers would come in to have some food at the end of the night. The food came with a condition though. You had to allow them to sit down with you while you ate "to have a word or two". A word or two quickly turned into many words about how we all were sinners and would burn forever in hell for living sinful and bad bad lives and that our only rescue was to join their church immediately (preferably while still drunk). Most of the people there couldn't care less if they burned in hell though.
Me and my friends had heard about this place but never been there, so one saturday night we decided to go there and see what it was all about (fairly intoxicated, but our spirits were high). As we open the door and go inside, this dude comes up to us and says "Welcome sinners, what can I do for you?" This was enough for one of my friends to give up right there. "Oh hell no, I'm getting the fuck out of here". And he was gone. The others and myself thought it was a weird way to greet someone, but we were hungry so we said we wanted to eat and were directed to a table. We sat down and the same guy came to take our order. He looked at us like we were the scum of the earth (We really weren't. We were more or less good kids). We all wanted tacos and when we were done ordering he shouts towards the kitchen: "Jenny, 24 tacos! Oh, and send in sister Mary-Anne!". The way he said it made it sound like they had to send in the big guns, because there were some baaaaad sinners out there waiting for tacos. We figured "Sister Mary-Anne" was a nun, because they generally didn't call eachother "brother" or "sister". Just her. Sister Mary-Anne.
About 15 minutes later a woman in her mid-twenties brings us our tacos. She acted like any other waitress I've ever met so this couldn't be Sister Mary-Anne. And it wasn't. A few minutes later a woman in her fourties enters from another door. As she opens we hear chanting from whatever is behind it. Monotonous chanting. It was impossible to make out what they were chanting but it sounded omnious.
Sister Mary-Anne was dressed in all white. A big, white, gown-like...whatchamacallit. In her hand she had two white roses and top it off, a plastic crown of thorns. You know, like Jesus. She looked like she hadn't eaten for weeks and her eyes burned with a fire you only see in religious fanatics. She looks at each of us for a moment and then says "I am the bride of Christ. Do you acknowledge your sins and accept Jesus, the son of God and my husband, as your saviour?"

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

We look at eachother not knowing what the hell to say to that. I mean, clearly, if you think you're the wife of Jesus, something has gone terribly wrong. After a moment we, more or less simultaneously, say:
"Oh well..you know..I wouldn't.."
"uuh..I...just...have to..
"*whistle*"
"Is smoking allowed in here?" (That was T; he was more drunk than the rest of us)

Sister Mary-Anne stands at the end of the table and asks again if we want to be saved. I thought it was best to just shut up and eat my tacos. The last thing I wanted was to upset a religious fanatic. Maybe I shouldn't even say "religious fanatic"; she was just plain insane.
T wouldn't have it though. I could see it in his face that he had decided to test this womans convictions. And I knew what was coming....

T = Friend
SMA = Sister Mary-Anne

T: I will give you the benefit of a doubt if you answer some of my questions.
SMA: I would be glad to answer any questions, my son.
T: My name is T.
SMA: *holy smile*.
T: Ok, so Adam and Eve were the first people on earth. Is this correct?
SMA: Yes, that's correct.
T: And they had sons. Is this correct?
SMA: That's right! (All happy thinking she's found someone that is genuinly interested)
T: Right. So....how did they get kids?
SMA: (long pause) Uh..It is not your place to question God.
T: No no, fuck that. I really want to know. Because this needs to be clear before I will accept any salvation. How, the hell, did Adams boys get kids? Did they get it on with Eve? Were there other people around? And if so, where did they come from?
SMA: Well, you have to keep in mind that the people that wrote the bible lived in a culture where women weren't always mentioned.
T: So you're saying there were other people on earth besides The Adams family?
SMA: There could have been, yes.
T: Who were the other people? Where did they come from? Did God make more people? Or were they siblings that just weren't mentioned?
SMA: I..
T: Because it makes a hell of a difference to me. If it was just the Adams family well..then that's just plain sick and wrong. And if there were other people that aren't mentioned; what else hasn't been mentioned?
SMA: You have to ask God these things. (slightly annoyed).
T: You claim you're the wife of JESUS. You, if ANYONE, should know this shit. Cough if up lady. Let's hear some answers.

I was, in fact, quite impressed with his logic. I wouldn't have thought of any of that even if I had been sober. And he was a lot more drunk than I was. It all ended with us getting thrown out of there with a promise that God would judge us on that final day and that we would burn in hell. To this day we are not welcome at that establishment. I have yet to hear an answer that makes sense. Anyone care to try and explain it to me?

I'm struggling

2005-07-14T10:17:00.000+02:00

I've been struggling with trying to figure out what to write for quite a while now and I've come to the conclusion I need your help.
So today I'm posting a topic competition.

"What should Grasshoppah write about"

The winner will get a date with the celebrity of his/her choice. Honestly. NO kidding. Well maybe a little. Anyway, help me out?

I'll get flamed for this but..

2005-07-08T13:37:00.000+02:00

this will be my first political post. This is a really touchy subject for americans and britts, I realize that, and I'm not trying to offend anyone. Flame away but keep it at a reasonable level. Please.

I read a blog earlier today written by a woman i West Virginia. She was upset and appalled by what happened in London yesterday. She was of the opinion that someone had to pay for these horrible bombings. And this is why she [Quote] whole heartedly support George W. Bush and his war effort.[/Quote]
She also questions how many more innocent lives have to be lost until everyone agrees that it's time to put an end to these terrorist acts.

While I agree that the killing of innocent people is, and always will be, wrong and evil, I think "the war on terror" created by USA and England (for the most part), is several steps towards making things even worse. The war on terror has multiplied the amount of attacks towards the western world. There is NO military solution for ending these attacks. How can there be? Who are you going to attack? There is no "Republic of Terrorists", no "Terroristland". In fact, the countries involving themselves in this "war on terror" are promoting terror attacks if anything.
Now, Billy Joe Bob is crushing budweiser cans against his forehead in pure anger and shouting "Imma tell Brother Earl about this and he'll get the good 'ol boys and we gonna kick yo ass". Calm down, Billy Joe. Take a deap breath and consider the following. I know there are some big words in there, but you can look them up.

This is no critisism of americans as a people, only your goverment. Same with the britts.

So what the hell do I mean by the war on terror promoting terrorist attacks?

Well, I'll answer my own question with a new question: What did you feel when the WTC came down? Anger? Rage? Dispair? Hate? Sorrow? Did you want to find whoever was guilty and hang him/her up by the feet and skin them alive? Did you want revenge?
Everytime a laser guided bomb falls on a hospital, a hotel, an apartment building or whatever the case may be, the families and friends of the innocent killed feel the exact same way you did. Now multiply the amount of people dead at WTC with 100 and you're getting a little bit closer how many innocent people have died from western coalition actions since the beginning of the 90's. Now you're starting to see the root of the problem. It all culminated with the latest war in Iraq. Because let's face it; there were no Weapons of Mass Destruction. And no, the goverments were not misinformed nor did Bush wake up one morning thinking "Oh my God, those poor people in Iraq must be liberated. This just can't go on any longer!" We were lied to. Plain and simple. The only interest any of the goverments involved had in Iraq was financial. Oh yes...all that oil. Whoever controls Iraq controls the oil. Even some of the goverments who opposed the war had financial interests in doing so. The french were building pipelines down there. The russians already had plenty of them. Can you blame the Iraqis for being more than a little pissed off? I can't imagine anyone with an IQ over 80 was surprised to see the "liberation" being met with a big "FUCK YOU".

And there's the main problem, right in front of you. For so many years, they've been exploited, bombed and manipulated. Not to mention ignored when help was promised. I'm talking about the promise to the Iraqis that wanted to overthrow Saddam in Iraq War #1. They never got help and were left to die.
Now you tell me: the "War on Terror" Bush and others are promoting, when seen from this point of view, is it helping or making things worse? Or are we only pushing more and more desperate people, with nothing to lose, into terrorism as their only way to fight back?

"So what are we s'posed to do you commie bastard?" Billy Joe Bob asks "Just let them hit us again and again?"
No, but hitting them back will only escalate the problem. And that will finally lead to a full blown religious war between west and east. And we will lose. Why? Because we have something to lose. They don't.
The solution, in my opinion is:

Stop all military actions in the middle east. In short: Get the fuck out of Iraq and Afghanistan. You want to help? Send them clothes. Send them food. Send them money so they can rebuild their country.
This is the only way to fight terrorism. Make the people not hate us. If they don't hate us, they won't support terrorists with money, hiding places and other means of assistance. They will be more prone to help the west in hunting down characters like Osama Bin Laden, who has done nothing but hurt the "normal" people of the middle east.

Ok, I'm done. Flame away. Call me a commie bastard, a coward, a terrorist and whatever else you can think of. I've heard it all before.

Poker

2005-07-08T09:18:00.000+02:00

I'm very sorry, but today I'm going to bore you with a poker story.
I've been playing poker online for a few months and I've done rather well if I may say so myself. I only play at the low stakes tables, so there have been no big losses (or wins for that matter) and I've managed to go from $20 to about $150. My preferred game is No Limit Texas Hold'em.

So I was playing last night. I usually play 2-5 hours when I play and the first two hours had been going really well. I'm certainly not the best poker player in the world, but fortunately there are a lot of worse players than me. And I'm more than happy to take money off their hands. So after these two hours i'm up about $20. (These are the low tables with $.10/$.20 blinds).

Anyway, and this is where it gets boring for those of you who doesn't play poker, I've got about $170 when I get pocket A-A. This is the best starting hand you can get in Texas Hold'em and I put in a $25 bet pre-flop. Everyone folds except two other people. They both call. The flop comes up and it's A-K-8. I now have a set of A's and I'm absolutely certain I have the winning hand and go "All in". (Meaning I bet all my money for those of you who doesn't know). One person immediately folds, the other thinks for a bit and then calls. I'm fairly sure he has a pair of K or he wouldn't call me. So he has a set of K and I have a set of A still making me the winner.

The turn comes up and It's a 10. I'm still golden and start looking for a bottle of champagne to crack open. Winning this hand means I'll have a lot more than twice the money I started with. Then comes the river. It's a K...
It's a GODDAMN K meaning that SONOFABITCH &)/#"(/#"¤&)("#&"# has 4 K and my FULL HOUSE of AAAKK is the LOSING &amp;amp;)(#)(/#"(/#%& HAND.

Uh..sorry

And that, my friends, is how you lose all your money at poker.

A stalkers mind

2005-07-07T08:43:00.000+02:00

Each and everyone of you need to check out this blog. Ever wonder how a stalker turned stalker? Here's Stalking 101.

New email

2005-07-06T09:00:00.000+02:00

This just cracked me up. I mean in the coffee-spurting-out-of-your-nose kind of way.

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C.,
came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself that the
traffic seemed worse than usual.

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped
cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's
the hold-up?"

The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped
his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline
and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about
why we went to war in Iraq, or the worsening deficit and economy,
or that his tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends.
So we're taking up a collection for him."

The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"

The officer replied, "About four gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."

People that scare me shitless.

2005-07-04T10:17:00.000+02:00

There are two kinds of evil people in this world. First you have your ordinary obvious evil. I'm talking Hitler and Manson and other such types. Then you have the people that conseal their evilness but you still have a feeling something is waay wrong with them. And they are the real threats to humanity.
For example:

David Hasselhoff in Speedos!

Look at him! This is the stuff nightmares are made of. That haircut has been terrorizing humanity for way too long. Why they don't go after this dude like he was Saddam is beyond me.

Bill Gates

Is there any need for comments? This guy is pure evil incarnated. I believe he is the anti-christ. He looks like he's saying "I will eat your babies".

Dick

Now, I know he probably fits better into category one, the obviously evil people, but he's too evil not to be mentioned. I won't list Bush as he's not really evil. Retarded, certainly, but not evil. He's just controlled by Dick using the dark side of the Force. And you'll have to agree Dick bares a striking resemblence to The Evil Emperor in Star Wars.

Peewee

There is just something about this guy that gives me the creeps. I can just imagine him coming home to his wife with a bottle of wine in one hand and a big-ass butt plug in the other saying "Luuucy, I'm hoome. I have a surprise for you!" in that high pitch, creepy voice.

I've got nothing

2005-06-30T11:25:00.000+02:00

so I' figured I'd try the "100 things about me" thingy...
Here goes.

1. I'm swedish
2. ..for whatever reason
3. I don't really believe in the official "God"
4. ..and I'm sure I'll regret that when I die.
5. I'm stuck, and it's only #5.
6. Damnit
7. I would perish without music.
8. I play the guitar.
9. I wouldn't say I'm great at it, but I'm not terrible either.
10. I've played since I was 12.
11. I'm 30 now.
12. :(
13. Mentally I'm about 15.
14. It's a curse.
15. And a blessing.
16. I never thought I'd own a car.
17. Or have a drivers license.
18. I now have both.
19. But it took me 12 years.
20. A drivers license here usually costs around $2000
21. "What the F..?!"
22. Is usually the reaction when someone non-swedish finds that out.
23. I agree.
24. I live in Stockholm.
25. That's the capitol of Sweden.
26. Just incase you didn't know.
27. Stockholm is alright.
28. But I'd take Chicago over Stockholm anyday.
29. I've lived in the US of A periodically when I was between 11 and 13.
30. In Ohio...
31. My father moved there for work.
32. I wanted to stay there for at least a year.
33. But my mother wouldn't let me.
34. My parents are divorced.
35. Obviously.
36. I don't mind though.
37. They are happier not being together.
38. Ok, so back to music.
39. I listen to more or less anything.
40. Except country music.
41. I can't stand it.
42. I've broken my left arm.
43. Twice..
44. In the same year!
45. I was a real clutz as a kid.
46. That hasn't changed :/
47. I played soccer for eight years.
48. It took me that long to realize I'm not good at it.
49. I played hockey when I was seven.
50. It only took me a month to realize I sucked at it.
51. I was smarter as a kid.
52. I'm better at sports that doesn't involve balls, pucks or other similar tools.
53. I've also trained (is that how you say it?) martial arts since I was 13.
54. I stopped a few years ago.
55. Unlike soccer and hockey, I was rather good at it.
56. But I f*cked up the back of my thigh.
57. And lost motivation after that.
58. I've had some crappy jobs.
59. And some interesting ones.
60. The crappiest of them all was at an auto repair shop.
61. Not because the job itself sucked, but because everyone there couldn't speak swedish.
62. They spoke finnish.
63. Which ended in me sitting in the lunch room all day long.
64. Looking at porn magazines that were all over the place.
65. I was 15.
66. I've worked as an archeologist for 6 months.
67. In Germany.
68. No offence to any germans reading this..
69. But most of ya'll are ugly.
70. Like almost deformed.
71. Why?
72. I'm a summer person.
73. I hate winter.
74. We have at least 6 months of winter every year.
75. And two months of summer.
76. If we're lucky.
77. I work with internet security for a swedish ISP.
78. We're all over Europe.
79. So I get to travel a lot.
80. I went to Milan, Italy last.
81. It was amazing and I want to go back.
82. I've also been to Poland not too long ago.
83. Not so amazing, but kind of interesting.
84. I wouldn't go to Russia or former Jugoslavia if you payed me.
85. The furthest away I've been is USA.
86. But I'm going to Australia in 2007. March 2007 to be exact.
87. It's a 24 hour flight.
88. To Thailand.
89. Then another 8 hours to Australia.
90. My vacation starts in 17 days.
91. I'm off for an entire month.
92. I have no plans except a 4 day trip to Germany.
93. I'll be going insane after two weeks.
94. I get restless.
95. Which probably means I like my job.
96. Although it doesn't feel like it right this minute.
97. How the hell
98. did I make it
99. to
100. one hundred?!

Subway incidents

2005-06-27T09:59:00.000+02:00

I had to use the subway yesterday for the first time in about 6 months. This reminded me how incredibly nasty and odd people get down there. I also started recalling all kinds of incidents from my commuting days and I'll tell you a few of them even.

Tampon man

I was walking down the stairs to get to the subway, minding my own business, when I hear someone running up behind me. As I am about to turn around I hear a scream of surprise and agony and I suddenly find myself showered by....tampons?! Can you imagine the "What the F....?!?!" expression on my face?
The dude had been carrying a whole box filled with tampons and tripped on something heading down the stairs. But where, in the name of everything that is holy, are you going in such a hurry with a big box of tampons? At first I thought he had stolen them from some store and was trying to escape but then it struck me; "that time of month eh?". Run little man...run..

Escalators

Why do some people feel the need to not walk up the escalators? I mean, it's not a ride. You're allowed to move. These are the kind of people that would call for help if the escalator stops. Not to mention when they decide that stopping right after getting off the escalator to, oh I don't know, check makeup, glasses or whatnot, is a great goddamn idea, effectively stopping anyone else getting off the damn thing. I mean really.

Beggars with an attitude

This is just too common in this city. I don't mind helping people out with some money when it seems justified. However, some of them deserve a kick in the teeth more than anything else.
People like this:

I'm sitting in one of the subway trains. Some dude is playing the guitar while walking around in the train car. Poorly, mind you. He can't sing worth shit and the guitar only have three strings. After he's [finally] done he walks around with a hat and wants some money for his brilliant performance. When he comes up to me, I give him like a dollar in change while reading my newspaper. He frowns and starts cussing me out: "What the fuck?! I've been singing my ass off for 20 minutes and all you give me is a few coins? Are you for real you cheap-ass motherfucker?
You can afford to give me more than that, I can see it on your clothes. Let's see your wallet. Come one come one come on."

I was speachless for a second but quickly regained my composiure(help me out here english speaking people, don't know the spelling of that word) and reached into his dirty old hat and took my coins out of there. "Now your skinny ass is a dollar short".

The cars

2005-06-23T00:17:00.000+02:00

Ok, so maybe you all remember the ordeal I had with my car earlier. Well, the Songbirds wanted pictures so, here they are. Sorry Songbirds, not so much visible from Sweden though.

This is before:

And this is after:

Tech support

2005-06-15T09:58:00.000+02:00

B.E.G's post about calls she's getting reminded me of my days of doing tech support for a large european ISP. You're right B.E.G, there is something wrong with people. Mind you, I was doing tech support back in -97. The general level of Internet/computer knowledge was..terrible at best.

N = me
C = Customer

Ok, so here goes:

#1

N: Tech support, how can I help you?

C: Yes, hello....uhm..Yesterday I could get on the Internet but today the screen is blank.

N: Uh...blank how?

C: Well, it's just empty.

N: O....K... Empty as in; you only see your desktop?

C: No, I'm talking about my computer screen. Wtf do you mean "desktop"? The screen is on the desk.

N: Ah right, of course. What color is your screen when it's "blank"?

C: Black.

N: Alrighty, is it on?

C: .......................... *click*

#2
N: Tech support, how can I help you?

C: Just how the fuck do you expect people to get the goddamn CD out of the casing with out cracking it open with a fucking hammer?!?! It took me over an hour!

N: CD? Sir, we don't sell any CD's. Only floppy disks.

C: How stupid do you think I am?! I'm looking right at the fucking thing!

N: Sir, I assure you, we don't sell any CD's.

C: I'm looking right at it!! It came out of a box that clearly says [name of ISP]. It has a square black casing and a brownish CD inside it. I had to break the casing open using A LOT of force.
And when I finally get the damn thing out and put it in my CD-ROM it more or disintegrates. I mean, what kind of shit are you people trying to sell?!
(Note for anyone that has never opened a floppy: a floppy contains a round "CD-like" disk)

N: Right, Sir, that was the floppy you just cracked open. It goes into your floppy drive since it's square. If you broke it, I'm afraid you have to buy a new start kit.

C: ##&/#&@@!!!!! *click*

#3
N: Tech support, how can I help you?

C: Yes hello, I know this might not be something you can help me with, but I've heard about those free email addresses and I was just wondering if you know where I can go to get one?

N: Sure, I'd say hotmail is the most common one. www.hotmail.com

C: Oh ok, hold on I'll go there right now.

(Silence for quite a while)

C: *snicker* Alright.....and now what?

N: Just click on the link "Register now" and you'll have an account in no time.

C: I'm not sure if I want an account here....my wife would disapprove..

N: .......O....K, how come?

C: Well...We don't mind gay people but this is a bit much.

N: Ok..sir...what exactly did you type? Can you spell the address for me?

C: www.hotmale.com

#4
N: Tech support, how can I help you?

C: I've been getting all kinds of error messages since yesterday and I can't get online anymore. I need help.

N: What kind of error messages are you getting?

C: Every kind imaginable. And the computer is so slow it's more or less useless at this point.

N: Do you have any error messages on your screen right now? Can you read them to me?

C: Yeah, I have a few. One says "Memory exception fault" and one says "rundll.exe returned a fatal error and will be closed"

N: Oh....ok. I think the first thing you should do is to restart your computer.

C: Been there, done that, but alright. It's off.

N: Ok, now turn it back on.

[immediately]
C: Ok, it's on again.

N: Really? That was fast. Ok, any error messages now?

C: Yes, It looks exactly the same as before. Same windows...same error messages.

N: ........did you really restart your computer?

C: Yes of course.

N: Are you sure? Because it should take a longer than a few seconds.

C: I'm telling you, I pressed the ON/OFF button. First to shut it down and then to turn it back on.

N: *growing suspicion* And everything looks exactly the same..?

C: Yes!

N: Ok, the button you're pushing, where is it?

C: What do you mean: "where is it?". It's right here, in front of me. On the computer. The TV thing.

N: Right, that would be your monitor, now try restarting your computer.

#5
N: Tech support, how can I help you?

C: Hello, I'm having something trouble with email.

N: Ok, what email client do you use?

C: The kind you double click.

N: ......

#6
N: Tech support, how can I help you?

C: Yes I'm having some trouble with internet.

N: Ok, are you using Windows 95?

C: No, a COM-PEW-TER.

Like I'm the idiot.

A new anti-piracy law

2005-05-26T15:40:00.000+02:00

From June 1 Sweden is getting an addition to the existing copyright laws. In short it says that it is now not only illegal to share copyright protected material, but also to download it. Up until now it has been legal to download such material if you have no intent to spread it further on a large scale (and how anyone is going to prove it was for that purpose is beyond me..but anyway.) The swedish version of MPAA and RIAA, Antipiratbyrån (Bureau of AntiPiracy, wow that just have a really nice dictator like ring to it, doesn't it?) has admitted that the new law will be worthless. This for two reasons:

1. The only way to get the information needed for a lawsuit or prosecution (name, address and such) is to contact the ISP. The ISP cannot by law give this information to anyone but the police. However, swedish law states that for this to be valid, the punishment for said crime has to be at least jail. Copyright crimes in sweden (such as filesharing) will never give a person jail. Not even by a stretch.

2. The police simply doesn't have time to give these "crimes" any priority as they have to do real police work. You know, like catching murdurers and bank robbers.

This new law is a total waste of time and money and only contributes to incriminate about 80% of the swedish internet population.

At the same time (and get this) the goverment decides that writeable CDs and DVDs are to be taxed, raising the price by 200%. Yes, you read it correctly. 200%. The extra money is meant to go to the artists that are (according to our goverment) getting ripped off by illegal filesharing.
Fine, I'll buy that argument, even if it's total insanity (60% of all sold writeable DVDs and CDs goes to other things than storing illegal copies).
I'll buy it because in one fell swoop they have legalized both downloading and sharing copyright protected files. Why? Because if i burn everything I download on CDs and DVDs I have practically paid for that right when I bought said CDs and DVDs in the store. "Hah" you say, "that dog don't hunt, they'll get you anyway". Wrong, there is a case that went to the EU supreme court where a french kid (well, teenager anyway) had been charged and let off the hook simply because of the fact that they have the same insane (but rather good in this case) prices on CDs and DVDs. He had burned a copy of a movie on a DVD and showed it to his friends. This was enough for the court to free him of all charges as they stated that the movie was paid for through taxes on the bought DVDs. Wam bam and Bob's your uncle.

Now, I am not opposed to the artists getting paid for the work they do. Not at all. However, a music CD in Sweden costs about $20. The artists get about $0.50 out of those $20. The rest goes to greedy corporations trying to squeeze as much as they possibly can out of the consumers and the artists. This is insane. Also, the corporations are blaming dropping sales on the illegal filesharing. That is also insane. I, for one, would buy all my music and movies if:

1. The corporations offer it in a downloadable format. I'm not interested in buying a CD. I have an mp3 player for my music and a computer for my movies. Get with the program people, separate machines for movies, music and games is a thing of the past.

2. The corporations set a reasonable price for their products. $20 for a CD where I only like two songs is absolute nonsense.

3. More money go to the artists. (not that I see 50 cent or Britney Spears starving, if you want to call that music and them artists)

The corporations need to realize that when they go after Average Joe and sue him for redicilous amounts they're going after their own consumers. Offer something the public wants instead of trying to hold back technology by intimidation.

Bitterness

2005-05-10T13:55:00.000+02:00

The woman was in her fifties, her face marked by a life of morgages, rents and bills. She had worked as a cashier in a grocery store for close to thirty years, starting right after high school. Waiting for something to happen.

Now she's tired. Tired of life, tired of bills, tired of being tired.
Tired of waiting.

I saw her the for the first time on the bus. She looked up as I passed her and gave me a look of unconsealed contempt. The reason for the look is me laughing out loud because of a joke the bus driver told. The look she gave me almost made me flinch as I had never seen her before in my life.
A couple of seconds later, as I sat down, I realized it wasn't contempt I had seen. It was bitterness. Bitterness that her life hadn't turned out the way she had imagined when she was younger, bitterness that my life isn't hers.
She had spent her whole life invisible, working hard without complaining. Waiting for someone or something to suddenly appear out of nowhere to forever change her life. To take her away from the gray reality that is hers, away to countries she's never been to, to cities she's never seen.
But no one ever appeared, nothing happened. She is still waiting with a growing realization that nothing is ever going to happen. No one is going to save her from herself.
And now she's in bitter regrets. She's had several chances to change her life for the better without taking them. Scared to take a risk and to stand on her own she has turned her back on opportunity over and over again. She has chosen the gray safety in front of the life she has always dreamt about, and now it's too late. She has stagnated and the only thing left is an poorly consealed jealousy and a quite open bitterness to any and all that have decided to dare live life to the fullest.

The person I saw on the bus exists in reality both in female and male form. This woman specifically exists as well but of course I know nothing about her or her life. I'm just guessing about her life choices.

The above story, however, is all too common. Too many people are sitting around waiting for someone else to protest. Too many are sitting around waiting for someone else to change their lives.
Don't ever get caught in that trap. We all have the possibility to create a life we can look back on when we're old and say "My life has been good, I have no complaints."
The choice is ours. No one can live our lives for us.
We have to live it for ourselves.

What kind of english do you speak?

2005-05-09T14:27:00.000+02:00

I found this in Rifkas blog the other day. I usually don't bother with these "tests" but I thought it could be interesting considering english isn't my native tongue. The result is what you would expect from someone with english as a second language.

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

20% Yankee

10% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

It's a mix of everything. This proves that learning english from TV is just a bad idea.

Mental instability

2005-05-04T14:59:00.000+02:00

That's what I would call my current state of mind.
Right now I'm pretty sure I could be one of those people who bring a gun to work and just start offing people.
Actually no, I wouldn't kill anyone except MCMAM. The guy is seriously driving me insane.
I'm on the phone with a certain authority which I can't name on a public media. We have informed them that MCMAM will be on call during this weekend in case something happens. They call me to ask what his phone number is so they can get in touch with him. I turn to MCMAM and ask if it's alright for me to give them his number or if he wants to use the "on call phone".
So the following conversation takes place:

Me: Is it alright to give [insert authority name here] your number so they can get in touch with you incase something happens over the weekend?

MCMAM: What?

Me: (slower this time) Is it alright to give [insert authority name here] your number so they can get in touch with you incase something happens over the weekend?

MCMAM: (irritated voice) Speak up! I can't hear you.

Me: (hand over phone so person on the other side can't hear)*hissing* Your fucking phone number. Can they have it?

MCMAM: WHO?!?

Me: [Insert authority name here]

MCMAM: They have it already!

Me: *hissing* Well that's not what I fucking asked you, is it? (back to the person on the phone) Well he claims you have it already so I'm assuming it's alright to give you his number [MCMAM phone number here]

MCMAM: Why do they need my number when they have it already?

Me: Well how about you call them and question their intelligence. It's not like intelligence is their job or anything.

Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out...

Something wonderful..

2005-04-25T08:26:00.000+02:00

..has happened. Something I thought was beyond my reach. Something that has restored my faith in mankind and the universe. Something that makes me believe that perhaps there is a God after all.

Doritos has made its way to Sweden.

I couldn't believe my eyes at the grocery store the other day. There it was. A big ol' box of Doritos. I looked around me and started filling my cart with bags, one after the other, like there was no tomorrow. Because who knows, maybe it's just a fluke. A mistake made by some interm not realizing that Doritos have never existed in Sweden. How odd, you say? How odd indeed. I've had to order that stuff from all over the world when someone I know goes on vacation or whatnot. The last time I tasted its cheesy taste was when I went to NYC. In 1999!. That's not even this millennium.

I cherish, no, I Crave Doritos. Like a crack addict craves his daily fix. I've been in constant withdrawal for 6 years. But no more! I am now a proud dorito junkie. Yes sir, I am.

I sold my car

2005-04-07T08:45:00.000+02:00

..and bought a better one!

I had so much trouble with the old Beemer that I finally decided to just get rid of it. I put this ad on an online car-sales-advertising-thing-whatchamacallit:

"I'm finally getting rid of the pearl of all cars, my BMW. It has served me well but as I'm getting a new one old yeller has got to go.
Being an old car, it naturally has some beauty spots. It makes a true fashion statement with brown camouflage-like spots on the doors, a boosted AC (holes beneath the doors) and a dude-get-the-hell-out-of-my-way-or-take-the-consequences-dent on the right front.
If you want a fun car, this is the car for you. If you don't want a fun car, this is still a pretty nice set of wheels."

When you sell a car, you don't want to point out every single little thing that's wrong with it, but I thought I had mentioned enough to seem like I'm fairly honest. There were some things I didn't mention though. For example, the fact that I had fixed some airhoses with duct tape. Removal of the tape means a stalling car.

So I thought no one would be interested in buying the old wreck, but to my surprise the phone started ringing off the hook. Finally this guy comes over with his girlfriend and they both seem intrested from the get-go. They take it for a spin and it works like a charm. After they come back the guy opens the hood to take a look at the engine. Immediately he notices the tape and removes half of it. The car dies and I try to muster the most baffled face possible. "Wow, that never happened to me. What the hell did you do?"
He looks at me for a second and says "No matter, I can fix that. We'll take it".
It all ended up with me getting lots more for the car than I bought it for. Go figure.

The car

2005-02-24T16:27:00.000+01:00

Righto, so I was going to fix the exhaust on my car the other weekend. It finally got tired of it sounding like a HD only without the coolness. I called BMW and ordered a whole new exhaust system assuming that they know what they're doing. I really need to reevaluate who I trust because that was a mistake.

We get the car up and start trying to get the old system off. It hadn't been replaced since..oh I don't know, 1976? To begin with, we couldn't even see the bolts. They were permanently integrated with the rest of the stuff. So we start cutting them off one by one. I still cringe inside when I think of it. It took us close to 5 hours to get it off. 5 hours!
When we were done, it was time to get the new one on. This seemed like a piece of cake after what we had just been through. So we get the first muffler on. That only took like ten minutes. Then we start on the second one. Fade in Murphys law. It doesn't fit. It looked fine on the ground but when we try to fit it in we realize that it doesn't have the brackets even remotely in the same place as the old one. Do we give up? Hell no, we work on it for another two hours, just to make sure we're fucked.
Altogether we were there for 7 hours, and had to leave with the old system on sounding like a friggin tractor pull as we left. I don't think I've ever cursed that long without breathing.
So I call BMW the next day, pissed off to no end, telling them that I got the wrong part. And the (incredibly bored by the sound of it) guy tells me "Well, you must have done it wrong". Uh huh fucker, if you can get this system to fit into my car without cutting it open and welding it together, I'll gladly pay you twice the fee of what you normally charge. Short of that, you better get your sorry ass off that chair and get me the right &()/#)")"/%)(&#"/%" part! Ass.Hole.

I got this

2005-02-15T15:33:00.000+01:00

in an email from a friend of mine and I just had to post it.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.
After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up
his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq
without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President
when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to
Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the
kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's
right question time. Who has a question?". Another little boy puts
up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve." "And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore
got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth,
what the hell happened to Billy?"

Haha
Hahaha
Hahahahaha

------

Ok just a quick note and I'm out the door again.
I put one of them stats things on here to see who visits me and where they came from.
And so I'm looking through it (and hey, I DO have readers) and most of the visitors are just normal people (you know, as far as one can tell from an ip-adress) but one one of them differs from the others. I check it out and it's...the IRS?
I just want to make one thing clear to whomever visited from the IRS:

1. Your greedy little hands can't touch me or my money, because I'm not IN your country. Alright?
2. If you're not here to check me out from a professional point of view, what the hell are you doing reading blogs at work? See where your tax dollars end up? In blog reading, that's where.

Ok, so that's two things but you know..

It's on..

2005-02-11T09:52:00.000+01:00

Today MCMAM is home taking care of one of his sick children (He has children!!!?!, and no I'm not saying his children are "sick" as in..you know..sick. I'm saying they're ill..you know..stomach hurting and shit. Oh to hell with it, yes they are problably sick as in friggin mentally screwed)
Or at least he claims he is. I have another theory. Yesterday he sends a nasty email to our product management regarding a problem we haven't been able to resolve. It was rude and insulting in all kinds of ways, not to mention arrogant. Five minutes later the manager calls MCMAM and is pissed because of the email and all of a sudden MCMAM is all "why can't we all just get along" in the worst kind of Rodney King way. (No offense Rodney..but that was just...bad)
So the manager wants to set up a meeting tomorrow (read: today) so he can straighten this whole thing out together with MCMAM and our boss. I'm laughing inside as I hear this because I'm thinking MCMAM is going to get his ass kicked. Turns out he had no plans whatsoever to show up at work though. And guess who's left behind to take said ass whipping? Exactly. Moi.
There's going to be consequences and reprocussions when he gets back.

I'm falling and I won't get up

2005-02-10T10:14:00.000+01:00

MCMAM is like a psychotic energizer bunny on speed with PMS to add. He just never stops. If he spent half the energy he spends on being retarded, on working for world peace, we'd all be one non-confrontal bunch of people.

Get this.
There are six people in my department. All six people have a personal phone number and a group phone number. The group number is used by customers to reach us. Anyone that has ever worked like this knows how this works. For those of you that haven't, I'll just say that the point is that calls on the group number always goes to the person that is either not on the phone at the moment or is the next one in "line" to get a call. You with me so far?

So we're getting a lot of calls, most of them are done in about 10 seconds and you've forgotten about it before you've even hung up. Most of them are about people wanting to check who called where and why and such.
Simple enough, right? Wrong. Not if you're MCMAM.
This is a typical conversation when he's involved:

(Phone Rings)
MCMAM: MCMAM!! (Like he's busy doing something)
Customer: Yes, hello. I spoke to someone on your department earlier about..
MCMAM: (interrupts) Do you know who?
Customer: Well, I can't really remember but it doesn't matter because I only want...
MCMAM: (interrupts) This'll be a lot easier if you speak to the person you previously spoke to!
Was it a man or woman?
Customer: Uh well it was man but..
MCMAM: Right! Then it was N.O. (My first and last name, Why don't you just give them my home address while you're at it, fucker) I'll redirect your call to him.
Customer: But..

(My phone rings)
Me: Hello?
Same Customer: Yes hello, I just wanted to let you know that the problems we had last week have been resolved. Thank you for your help.
Me: You're welcome.
Customer: Alright, bye

A call that would have taken a few seconds now takes several minutes because MCMAM refuses to take calls when the one calling has spoken to someone else on the department before. Is this sane? Is this an act of a mentally stable person? And yet, if I were to throw him off a train, I'd be considered criminally insane.

Parenting

2005-02-09T08:45:00.000+01:00

So the co-worker has adopted a new attitude. He has gone from being plain annoying and clueless to being annoying, clueless and "parenting". Oh joy.
Next week I'm going to our office in Norway to help them out a little bit. Me and my boss were discussing it last monday and decided that next monday was probably the best day time wise. All of the time we're talking, the co-worker (from now on referred to as MCMAM which is short for Mentally Challenged Middle Aged Man) was listening in on the conversation. (And as I'm writing this, he interrupts me with yet another of his little "episodes" and I will get to that after I'm done here)

So, it's decided that I will contact the norwegians to make sure that next monday is ok by them.
Yesterday, the following conversation took place:

MCMAM: Did you call the norwegians?
Me: (blank stare) No?
MCMAM: Why not?
Me: Because I emailed them?
MCMAM: Oh, then you'll never get a response.
Me: (thinking: And just how the fuck would you know, you've never talked to them, ever) Well, I called them last week and they were really hard to get hold of over the phone, so email seemed like the logical choice.
MCMAM: Well, you should call them.
Me: Not really.
MCMAM: Why not?
Me: Dude, I've got this. Don't worry.
MCMAM: (Condascending tone) N, do you want to go to Norway or not?
Me: (losing it) Well, what the fuck do you think? I've been working here for a lot longer than you have. Concentrate a bit more on your own problems and little less on mine.
MCMAM: Hey, I'm just trying to help!!!!!
Me: I don't need your help. I've never needed your help. I will never, ever need your help. Leave.Me.Alone.

He then proceedes to being silent for the rest of the day. I don't think that has never happened before. I cherish these moments.

So, today.
I was going to get some coffee and another co-worker and I was talking about how the coffee machine people need to get their asses here more often since the machine is often out of cups and cream and whatnot.
MCMAM looks up behind his little screen and says: "No it's not". Now both me and the other co-worker are giving him blank stares and says more or less at the same time: "Yeah it is".
With a troubled look on his face, MCMAM says: "Everytime I've gotten coffee nothing has been missing". Alright, so clearly I'm lying to you. I'm lying to you about the coffee machine. It gives me pleasure. My goal in life is to lie to you and confuse you even more. If that is at all possible. You're right. There's never anything missing in the coffee machine because you've never experienced it.

Oh lord won't you buy me..

2005-02-07T10:01:00.000+01:00

..a car. Any friggin car that works. I went to fix the exhaust on my car this weekend, thinking it would be a piece of cake. After two hours of work without any noticable results I had to give up. I probably have to replace the whole exhaust system and that will cost me mucho dinero. M***erfu**er.
Naturally this couldn't have happened 5 months ago when everything I touched turned to gold. Oh no, it has to happen the month after christmas after spending an insane amount of money on presents. Thank you lord. Oh yes, thank you very fu***ng much. Tsk.

Do I sound bitter yet? Because that was what I was aiming for. I can go on if you want. No? Alright.

Anyway, you should see the state the car is in. It needs some serious help, I'm not kidding. I should call MTV and ask them to pimp my ride, although I very much doubt X-zibit (or whatever he calls himself) would drag his ass to this part of the world. Bastardo.

Ze return of ze lost one

2005-01-10T20:13:00.000+01:00

Yeah, I'm still alive. Call off the search party. And you can remove the balloons and the cake too. I'm not dead. Hey, what the hell is with the disappointed look?!

I've been busy with christmas and New years and whatnot as I'm sure you all (yeah, all my readers...you know..the readers...) have been. Christmas was rather uneventful I must say, which was quite a relief. As I've written before, I'm no big fan of christmas. It's just blown way out of proportions. People (relatives) arguing over presents, grandmother complaining about daughter, mother complaining about grandmother, sister complaining about mother. It's just exhausting. The peak of christmas is the food and drink. I could do without the rest quite frankly.
I worked from christmas day until New Years eve and then I was off for ten whole days. Let's just say that was a more than welcome break from everything. I had big plans too. I was going to fix whatever is wrong with the car, maybe take some more driving lessons, catch up on some movies. Didn't happen though because naturally I got sick as a dog. I was barely out of bed for the duration of my little mini vacation. Feeling plenty sorry for myself of course, and that's the reason I haven't written anything until now. I mean, how much can happen when you're just lying in bed watching TV-Shop all day long? My colleagues said they could tell I'd been sick by the sound of my raspy voice. It wasn't raspy because I had been sick though, it was because I hadn't used it since New Years eve. I didn't tell them that though because...well how pathetic is that? For ten days I didn't say a word (other than the pityful, selfloathing groan, if that counts). The good thing is that I didn't smoke much at all. I've been trying to quit on and off for years now but it seems that the only thing that would really make me stop is a pnemonia. 'Cause you can barely breathe air. Smoke is just out of the question. No such luck though, I just had a bad cold.

The sun...the sun?

2004-12-07T10:29:00.000+01:00

When I woke up this morning it immediately occured to me that something was different. Things weren't like they were yesterday. Too tired to reflect further over it, I stumbled into the shower in a futile attempt to wake up. (Side note; it didn't work).

As I get out of the house to go to work it strikes me; there is this big ball of light in the sky. Like a cro-magnon from the past I look at it in awe and immediately start the worshipping. Everything got colors, the birds were chirping and suddenly life didn't appear as hard. Need I say we don't see the sun much in this country?
From october and all the way to april we only see the "colors" gray and black. (White incase it snows, but we don't get much of that these days)

It's hard to imagine that thousands of years ago, someone decided this was a good place to settle down on. "Aaah, it's dark, cold, wet, it's perfect!" My ancestors were mentally unstable. I'm sure of it. You'd have to be if you choose The Cold and Grim North over The Comfortable and Abundant South. Sure, we discovered America in the process, but did we get credit for it? Nooo, Columbus did. And where is he from? That's right. From the south. Pff.

Another weekend.

2004-12-06T11:04:00.000+01:00

Isn't time just moving faster and faster the older you get? I remember being a kid, asking my mother how far away christmas was. When she answered "three weeks" I just died inside. Three WEEKS? WEEKS?! It was a lifetime. Now when someone tells me it's only three weeks 'til christmas, the response is the same:
"Oh my god..THREE WEEKS. WEEKS?!" but for a whole other reason. Summer was like yesterday. What happened to the time inbetween?
I think children are so busy making experiences that time just seems to last forever. As you get older we get more selective about what we remember that time just sort of goes by unnoticed. This can't be good.

So anyway, another slow weekend. I watched Men In Black part I and II. They're actually pretty good movies if you just want some entertainment. Naturally they got me thinking.
I just don't find it very impossible that something like that actually exists. I mean the "secret" organisations, watching out for us. I'm not entirely ruling out the alien part either, although I'm still undecided on that one. It would just explain a LOT. I look at Bush, for example, and well...him being an alien isn't as far fetched as one would initially think. Not to mention Jim Carrey, who is just a freak. A funny freak, but a freak nonetheless. That face is just not human. I'm sure of it.

On another note; If I get another popup thing that says "i luv him" or "i'm w8ing for u" or other such "gems", when browsing blogs I'm going to...well I don't know what I'll do but it won't be pretty.

Post Hell Update

2004-12-03T13:29:00.000+01:00

So yeah, I'm back from that course. "Presentation technique". It was just as bad as I had feared only not in the way I thought. The hippie crap was kept to a minimum which was a pleasant surprise. However, I've learned a few new things about myself.

I don't like talking in front of people. I didn't think that was a problem for me as I've done it a lot during the years I've worked here. I teach others how to do stuff.

My eyes move.

People in general suck.

Having to stand up there, talking about some subject appointed to me and at the same time getting evaluated by the others was a total nightmare. If anything it discouraged me to do it again.

Anyway.

So the usual christmas bullshit is going on at the moment. This subject comes up every year in my somewhat disfunctional family. For some reason one half of the family ( the part that came with the package when my mother remarried, obviously) wanted us (me, my sister & co) to celebrate christmas with them this year. This alone seemed odd considering we would be 25 people crammed in a two room apartment.
Now, since we are quite a few people, we decided a few years ago that instead of everyone buying presents for everyone and thus more or less buying crap because you simply can't afford getting everyone something expensive, we would sort of have a lottery that pointed out who someone would buy a present to this year. Naturally you can buy whatever you want to whomever you want, but instead giving the present to that person at another occasion than christmas eve ( the same morning, day after, anything like that will do). We decided that the only ones that would get presents from everyone were the children since they are the only ones that are truly excited about it.
So, this year the married-ins simply decided that they "didn't feel comfortable buying presents to your sisters kids since they're not our family". I mean, what the fuck?
No one is asking them to buy stuff for a friggin fortune. They're one, four and six years old for fucks sake! Get them a chocolatebar wrapped in christmas wrapping and they'll be pleased. But no. "It doesn't feel comfortable". Oh can you just feel the christmas spirit?
So we simply said "To hell with it." Let them celebrate christmas on their own. If you can't buy christmas presents for children in your family, then what good are you? Fucking ego-maniacs.

All said and done, we're celebrating christmas with cousins, in-laws, aunts and grandparents and they're celebrating alone. And they better get used to it, because I'm not going there anymore.

Pre Hell Update

2004-11-30T08:16:00.000+01:00

Alright, in about 40 minutes I'm off to a Learn-How-To-Speak-In-Front-Of-An-Audience course. Oh joy.
Yet another of those courses someone thought up to fill their useless time. My time, however, is rather more valuable considering I have tons of work to do and there just isn't any room for Let's-All-Sit-Down-In-A-Circle-And-Hold-Hands hippie bullshit.
I sit by a computer all day long and fix security issues for people. When am I going to speak infront of an audience larger than the six people I work with? Ah but yes, God hates me. Bastard.

The feeling I wrote about yesterday is still there. It's the weirdest thing. Any amateur (or professional) shrinks out there to explain it to me?

Ok well, I best get ready to go.

Hippieland here I come.

Post weekend update

2004-11-29T08:41:00.000+01:00

After much planning and anticipation this weekend turned out rather uneventful. I was supposed to go away for a couple of days but naturally that didn't work out. It never does for some reason.
Me and my friends have a special talent for not doing what we planned. When we plan, which isn't very often.
Anyway, instead of going out, getting drunk and inventing new ways of getting rejected by women, I stayed home and pretty much did nothing. I watched Lord of The Rings for, oh i don't know, the eleventeenth time. I must say though, it's just as good each and every time. So, incase someone happens to have a 50" widescreen tv just laying around in a corner, I'll be happy to take it off your hands.

Now for something completely different.
I decided to dig my car out of the piles of snow it was buried beneath. I hadn't bothered much with it as I can't legally drive it yet. (Yes, I'm well over legal driving age , I just don't have the damn license.) As I get out to the car I realized this would take a lot of work. You could more or less see the contours of a car but not much else. One and a half hours later it's more or less cleared and I'm panting like I've ran a marathon. Naturally it started snowing even worse just a few minutes after I was done and the car quickly disguised itself as a snow statue once more. God does hate me.
Oh and of course, the next day it started raining and all the snow disappeared by itself. Did I mention God hates me?

Oh and on another note, something did happen over the weekend although I'm not really sure what. I don't quite feel like me. Don't ask me who exactly I feel like, but it sure isn't who I was last friday. Is it at all possible to, for whatever reason, change over night? I would have sneered recentfully at such a comment only a week ago. Now I'm not so sure.
I'll get back to you on that feeling later. I have to figure this out.

Just another day at the office

2004-11-26T13:13:00.000+01:00

This blogg started out as a "I hate my colleague and I have to share it with you" blog. But, there is only so much you can write about someone being an idiot. And while I haven't written all that much about it here I've already lived out my aggressions on other sites. So, I might still add something about the whole colleague subject, but not every time.

So, christmas is a month away and of course everyone is going nuts already. I'm not really a big christmas fan, but I like it ok. I just don't get all excited months ahead unlike some people I know. The stress of it all.

We've gotten plenty of snow over here so it is starting to look "christmassy". I'll give them that. Usually it doesn't snow for real until the middle of December or later.
Oh and I usually don't want anything for christmas but this year I actually have a request. I want a digital camera. And if I don't get one I'll buy one for myself. Why wait, you say? Well, you never know, someone might actually take me seriously.

I want the camera so I can add some wonderfully artistic pictures to go with my -oh so interesting- posts. Shut up.

I've looked around on Blogger to see what everyone else is writing about and I noticed that pretty much everyone stops writing after 5-or-so posts. Myself included. It's all fun and games the first few times but then you start running out of subjects. Which is bad because you start to realize what an uneventful life you lead. I mean, sure I could write about what happened today and yadayada but it would all be the same:

"Woke up. God I'm tired. Shower.
Breakfast.
Read the newspaper.
Oh shit, I'm late!
Oh Oh Oh, cold.
Did I bring my cellphone?
Damnit, what time is it?
Is that my bus?
No.
Bus is late as usual. Typical.
Finally.
Another day at work.
Time for coffee.
Ugh, she's hot.
I'll talk to her.
Maybe not.
Finally lunch. I'm hungry.
Beans again. Still hungry.
Back to work.
Dark. Go home?
No, just winter.
Coffee time again.
There she is again.
I'll go talk to her.
Damn phone.
Ok, screw you guys, I'm going home.
Falling...asleep...in...couch."

This repeats itself over and over and over. And sure, it just made this post longer
but seriously, once is enough.
It's clear to me now. I have to start lying my ass off.

I'm back

2004-11-25T11:10:00.000+01:00

Well, I haven't updated for ages, I know. And it's just breaking my heart to see you all check back again and again. For nothing. So what's been going on?
Well, that's the whole reason why I haven't updated. "Nothing".
I turned 30 and well..let's not even open that can of worms. I passed from being "In my twenties" to being "thirty...ish". Fantastic. Who knew I'd make it this far?

So let's see, what else? Oh right, you americans got a new president. Not.
Four more years of "Nucular" and other such gems of wisdom. I'll just hold my vacation to FL another four years. But then again, Dubya will probably have changed the rules by then and proclaimed himself Emperor of The World. And made Arnold his page. (Read: Bitch)
I never liked Arnold to begin with, and in all fairness, do you really want a german Conan the vampire slayer, as a governor? Well, considering he's there, I guess you do. But still, think about it. Please. I beg of you. For all mankind.

Condi as Foreign Secretary? Yeah, good luck with that.

Anyhoo...

I'm back

2004-09-06T10:22:00.000+02:00

Sorry for not updating this blog for a while. I've actually been busy with Real Life Stuff [tm].

Anyway, today at work we were talking about maids and house cleaners and so forth. We all agreed that it was way too expensive and I jokingly said that we should hire a polish maid for like $5/week.

Nu uh!!, says my colleague, they cost at least like $50 a day!

Wtf, dude?

Are you ready for more?

2004-06-09T17:05:00.000+02:00

Or have you had enough already?

Either way, here's another "episode" bringing me that much closer to insanity.
This morning, during our coffee break, we started talking about the pros and cons of making moonshine (not that I would know anything about that, but still). I said I thought it smelled bad during the the making of it all and that the smell just sort of lingered all over the neighbourhood. Very upset, my co-worker says "It does NOT!" Since I really do think it smells like shit, I answer him that, "Yeah, I really think it smells bad". He looks at me like I'm a piece of dogshit on the street and says "clearly it doesn't". By this time I should have realized I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut but before I can stop myself I tell him, again, that I really think it smells bad. The look he gives me is one you give to a small child or perhaps someone mentally challenged as he says "Dear N, it doesn't smell unpleasant if it smells at all."

"Oh fine, I answer tiredly, clearly I must be mistaken then. The smell I felt at the time as obviously something else. You're right and I'm wrong. Case closed"
With a smirk he tells me it doesn't smell. "Is that so?, I answer, a second ago you strongly claimed it was the most wonderful smell in the world", hoping that this would end the conversation. It continues though, for another half hour. He gets riled up the point where his eyes almost pop out and he's about to split a vein open in his forehead.

And afterwards I realize that I'm the idiot for actually taking these conversations with the village idiot.

The insanity continues

2004-05-26T07:44:00.000+02:00

This morning another co-worker of mine had some difficulty entering a system we normally use. She asks the other in the room if there is a problem with the system or if it's just her.
Being his charming normal self, hate co-worker shouts:
There was a problem but everything is working fine now.
We both try to get access to the system with no success and answer that it still seems to be unusable.
NO, he answers loudly, I got an email saying it's supposed to work now.
Oh, well if an email said so, then of course it must be so. Forgive us. It's clearly a problem with both our computers.

And you'd think it would end there, wouldn't you?
A few minutes later he asks me to open up the group number to help another co-worker out while he goes on a coffee break. At the time I was writing an email to a client so I tell him I'll connect as soon as I'm done. Silently he stands next to me and says after a while: "I can't go until you get on the phone".
Using all the self control I can muster, I let him know that it'll only take me a minute to finish the email and that he can feel free to move on. The answer is the same: "No, I can't go until you get on the phone".
Fine, I answer, then you'll have to stand there and watch me type until I'm done. And he does. Through the entire email (which by the way took me 15 minutes to write out of shere defiance) he stands there and observes every keystroke.
I'm so glad I work here.

The introduction

2004-05-25T10:54:00.000+02:00

I have a collegue since a couple of years back that has the ability to drive me out of my mind.
It has gone from the occasional irritation to a constant one. Like a rash.

Little things, yes, but together disastrous.

To start with:

If I'm whistling for whatever reason, he will start aswell. Louder and naturally something totally different.

If I've got the radio on, he turns his on too. Louder and some other station. If I don't have the radio on, he doesn't either.

He farts. All the time.

We're both logged in to a group number on the phone. Meaning, if i recently took a call, he will take the next one. Or should. He simply doesn't answer or if he does he "pretends" he can't hear the customer and hangs up. The call then goes to yours truly with a pissed off customer on the other end.

He's the mother of all besserwissers. Even when proven wrong he'll simply say "Ok, believe that if you want, I know better."
No, brainfart, I don't believe that, MIT does.